Anyone who lives in an apartment and has a roommate should watch Single White Female. If that movie tells you anything, it’s that the potential roommate who looks perfect on paper will more than likely wind up being a dangerously psychotic killer with identity issues, who wants to become you.
Because, as you know, if it happens in a movie, it’s likely to happen in real life. You’re much better off choosing a roommate with some flaws, and then investing heavily in renters insurance.
Still, there are some warning signs that your roommate might be dangerous that you should watch for in those first few weeks of living together:
- He is constantly mumbling to himself, “Two go in, one comes out.”
- She buys you a puppy. Every day.
- You find a receipt for 37 bottles of “skin lotion.”
- His parents were brutally murdered by an “intruder” who the police never managed to find.
- She names her Raggedy Ann doll after you.
- You catch him watching the food network – naked.
- She names her toast after you.
- When you’re not in the apartment, he goes through your clothes and writes his initials on them. When you return, he says, “hey! You’re wearing my underwear!”
- When she pours a glass of wine for each of you, she pensively stares at the glasses for a minute, says “Damn!” and then dumps them *both* out.
10. You find him asleep on the top of the refrigerator.
11. You find something that looks like a human head in the freezer. When you ask him about it, he mumbles something about cryogenic experiments.
12. She asks you to refer to her as Mrs. Stephen King.
13. You find the word “murder” written in the butter tub.
14. He constantly talks about a third, imaginary roommate.
15. She snickers when you’re putting toothpaste on your toothbrush.
16. He drives around the block for half an hour after leaving for work.
17. She seems to go through two or three gallons of bleach a week, and she’s a brunette.
18. When you ask where he got the steak he’s grilling, he just says, “Frank the Butcher.”
19. Two words: excessive crosswording.
20. He sees dead people.
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